now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
