I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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