i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize