worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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