I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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