my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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