you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So. Much. Porn.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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