I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize