Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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