Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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