Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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