if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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