I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
