Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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