Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
