I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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