Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
