i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
