god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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