I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
