Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
