My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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