All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize