matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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