i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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