in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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