Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
