Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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