I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i think my cat just said my name.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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