I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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