Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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