I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
