you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
