her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
