I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
this beer tastes like vomit already
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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