Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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