That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
