I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
