We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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