I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
