Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
