I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
