God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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