how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
