A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
