the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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