hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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