so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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