I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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