Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize