I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
