I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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