He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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