I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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