i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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