Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
