well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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