I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
