I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
