you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
