shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
