I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
